How to flirt over text: examples, signs, and how to ask them out

Updated October 5, 2026 · 14 min read

Flirting over text means doing on purpose what tone and timing do in person: one specific detail, one light provocation, one plan. Studies of flirting describe styles, humor and how often people misread it, not scripts, and none of the seven ranking pages we read cites them. The example texts below are ours, each with what it does.

This guide covers texting someone you matched with or met, from the first message to the ask. None of the seven ranking pages we read for it cites a flirting study. The studies below are other people’s. The example texts and rules of thumb are ours, and labeled as such.

What counts as flirting over text

Flirting over text is showing interest in writing, and writing strips out most of what makes flirting work. In person, tone of voice, a held look and a well-timed pause carry the message. A text has words and a timestamp. “Ha” can mean amused, polite or done with you, and the reader decides which.

Our view: what happens by accident across a table has to happen on purpose in a chat. A detail shows you were paying attention. A light provocation shows you are playing. A plan shows you mean it. Few of the studies below looked at written messages, so the step from them to a text is ours, and no study tests it.

Hall, Carter, Cody and Albright developed the Flirting Styles Inventory, a self-report questionnaire, with 5,020 respondents. It sorts flirting into five styles (Hall et al., 2010). The second column below is our shorthand for each style. The texts are ours, not tested at scale.

In the same study, the physical and sincere styles went with more dating success (Hall et al., 2010). Our reading: those two say the interest plainly, and in a text, saying it is most of what you have. The inventory asks people how they flirt in general, so none of this was measured on phones.

How to flirt over text when the cues are gone

Our view: each missing cue has a stand-in you can type. Here are three. The examples are ours, not tested at scale.

1. A specific detail, instead of eye contact. Something they said or showed, used back. It shows you were paying attention, which is what a held look does in person.

   “You said the dog vetoes most of your plans. How does someone get on his good side?” What it does: uses their detail and asks something only they can answer.

2. A playful marker, instead of a smile. Text cannot grin, so something in it has to say you are not fully serious: a callback to something they said, a mild exaggeration, or an emoji, if you use them.

   “Tried the salsa you swore was mild. I have notes, and a new respect for you.” What it does: a callback and an exaggeration, so the tone survives without a face.

3. A reference forward, instead of a lingering goodbye. A hint that this could continue off the screen, without asking yet.

   “If the ramen place is as good as you claim, I’m holding you to it in person.” What it does: points at a meeting and saves the ask for later.

On emoji, the evidence is easy to overread. In a survey of 5,327 US singles with a mean age of 42, those who used emoji more often reported more first dates and more sexual activity in the past year. In a second study of 275 people, mean age 30.9, emoji use with recent dates went with more second meetings (Gesselman et al., 2019). Both are correlational and self-reported. More emoji goes with more dates, which does not mean emoji cause them. People who text warmly may simply be people who date more.

How to tease over text

A tease is a playful provocation that comments on something relevant to the other person. That is the definition in a 2001 review by Keltner and colleagues, who also note that a tease can come across as hostile or as friendly (Keltner et al., 2001). In person, a grin usually settles which. In a text, nothing does unless you build it in.

Our rule of thumb: tease what they said or did, never what they are or what they look like. A claim, a choice, a strong opinion about cilantro: fair game. Their body, their accent, their age: no. The first kind they put on the table themselves. The second kind they cannot change by the next message.

Humor seems to help, with caveats. In a study of 51 male-female stranger pairs, 102 people in all, men’s humor production and women’s laughter at it went with the women’s dating interest, and laughing together went with both partners’ interest (Hall, 2015). Across that paper’s three studies, producing humor tracked extraversion rather than intelligence (Hall, 2015). Our reading: laughing at their joke is part of flirting too. The jokers in that study were the outgoing ones more than the clever ones (Hall, 2015).

Who jokes and who laughs is not simply a matter of sex. In two studies by Ross and Hall, trait masculinity went with producing humor and trait femininity with being receptive to it, and once gender traits were accounted for, sex differences in humor production were not significant (Ross & Hall, 2020). The two headings below split by gender because that is how people search; the rule is the same under both. The examples are ours, not tested at scale.

How to tease a girl over text

Same rule: tease something she wrote or did.

• “Seven named houseplants is not what most people mean by low maintenance.” What it does: teases the gap between two things she said about herself.
• “Strong opinions about bagels, your profile says. Rank your top three and I’ll decide if I trust you.” What it does: takes a claim she made and asks her to defend it.

How to tease a guy over text

Same rule, different material.

• “Grilling is listed as a hobby, and the evidence is one very dark burger.” What it does: teases the distance between what he claims and what his photo shows.
• “You’ve seen the same heist movie eleven times. Plot, or are you taking notes?” What it does: teases a confession and ends on a question he can play with.

Flirty texts for him and for her

How to flirt with a guy or a girl over text

People search for flirty texts for him and flirty texts for her as if they were two subjects. In the flirting styles study, women scored higher than men on every style except playful (Hall et al., 2010), and in Ross and Hall’s studies the sex difference in producing humor was not significant once gender traits were accounted for (Ross & Hall, 2020). Our view: that is a difference of degree, so this is one pool. The examples are ours, not tested at scale. Whether any of it reads as rizz, charm as the other person sees it, is up to them.

First message

A first message has only what they chose to show. For openers inside an app, our dating app opening lines go further.

1. “That goat in your photos looks like it runs the place. I need context.” What it does: picks the oddest detail and asks for the story.
2. “Competitive about board games, your profile says. Flipped-the-board competitive, or quietly furious?” What it does: pushes their claim one step and offers two answers.
3. “Another person who reads the last page first. I have questions about your morals.” What it does: names a shared habit and accuses them of it, playfully.
4. “You picked ‘Dancing Queen’ for karaoke. Brave, or tactical?” What it does: a two-option question that is easy to answer and hard to answer badly.

In the talking stage

Once you are texting most days, in the talking stage, the detail can come from the conversation instead of the profile.

5. “Did the coworker with the fish lunches strike again, or is it a good day?” What it does: a callback that shows you remembered something small.
6. “Tried the taco truck you recommended. You were right, and I hate that.” What it does: concedes with a small grudge, which reads warmer than a plain thanks.
7. “Is 11 p.m. too late to settle pancakes versus waffles?” What it does: claims a little more familiarity than daytime small talk, which is how Speer found flirting often marked (Speer, 2017).
8. “I’ll admit it. I check my phone faster when it’s you.” What it does: says the interest outright, the sincere style (Hall et al., 2010) in one line.

After a date

After a meeting, you finally have shared material.

9. “Still thinking about the waiter who explained the wine for six minutes. Also about you, less annoyingly.” What it does: the shared moment first, then the point, softened by the joke.
10. “Counting tonight as a win, even though you beat me at pool twice.” What it does: a specific moment, with losing turned into part of the compliment.
11. “That bookstore you mentioned is open Sunday. Just saying.” What it does: implies a shared future meeting without closing on it, the pattern Mortensen found in dating chats (Mortensen, 2017).
12. “Thanks for tonight. I’d like to do that again, with less rain.” What it does: plain interest plus one detail, and the door left open.

If the next step is a second date, our second date ideas are a place to start.

Signs they’re flirting back

We found no study of flirting in text. In spoken conversation, people struggle with it too. Hall, Xing and Brooks had 52 pairs of opposite-sex strangers talk for 10 to 12 minutes, and conversations without flirting were read more accurately than conversations with it. In a second study, 261 observers watching one-minute clips judged women’s flirting more accurately than men’s (Hall et al., 2015).

Our rule of thumb: write one step warmer or more personal than they did, and read what comes back. It is a guess, not a method. Our guess at what a warm reply looks like, with examples of ours:

• They match the notch or raise it. A slightly warmer message comes back slightly warmer, not with a change of subject.
• They act more familiar than they are. Working with British conversational data, not texts, Speer found flirting often marked by claiming more familiarity or intimacy than the context makes relevant (Speer, 2017). In a text, by our translation, that is a nickname on day three or a “we” that arrived early.
• They pick up references to meeting. Your “I’m holding you to that in person” gets a day or a “deal” back, not a “haha.”

At speed-dating events with 382 singles, people expected their choices to be returned more often than they were, while flirting behavior, coded by observers, was reciprocated more strongly (Back et al., 2011). Our reading: a flirty reply says more about the conversation than about the decision. Flirting tends to come back when it is sent, and a yes to a plan is the clearer answer.

Reply speed is the easiest thing to watch and the hardest to read. On Mumsnet, a British parenting forum used mostly by women, a 2023 thread about a slow replier who took jokes literally drew replies that reply speed is a texting style, and that meeting in person settles more (Mumsnet, 2023). Short replies are the other easy thing to watch, and whether they are a style or a signal is the whole question on dry texting; the short answer there is that a change tells you more than a length.

Our reading: playing hard to get has little going for it. In a study by Dai, Dong and Jia, it made people want someone more but like them less, and only when they were already committed to that person. Otherwise it lowered both (Dai et al., 2014). We would guess few people are committed a week into texting.

Then there is the “3 text rule.” It has no standard definition, and we found no study behind it; the FAQ below has the two meanings sites give it.

How to ask someone out over text

Flirting over text can run for weeks without a date in it. Mortensen studied emails and chats from two Danish online dating sites and found people flirting by implying shared future meetings and by not closing the exchange (Mortensen, 2017). Our reading: that keeps a flirt going, and it also keeps it from turning into a date. Asking is the step from “we should” to a day, a place and a question. The ask itself, the wording, the no and the one-ask rule, has its own page: how to ask someone out.

Saying what you want seems to help, at least by people’s own account. In the emails of 105 online daters, people who discussed what they wanted in a partner tended to report a higher likelihood of a second date (Sharabi & Dykstra-DeVette, 2019). On a 2019 Mumsnet thread about a man’s flirty texts, a few replies suggested asking him for a drink, and more said she was already doing the pursuing (Mumsnet, 2019). Either way, the ask is one sentence with a plan in it.

Three of ours, not tested at scale.

• “You keep saying Golden Lotus is overrated, so how about I prove you wrong there on Thursday at 7?” What it does: turns a running argument into a time, a place and a question mark.
• “I’d rather hear the rest of the Lisbon story in person, so are you free for a drink at Clover on Saturday afternoon?” What it does: gives a reason to meet and a slot to say yes or no to.
• “There’s a used-book sale at the library on Sunday morning and I need someone to stop me from buying all of it; want to come?” What it does: an outing with a job for them, easy to accept and easy to decline.

If it is a yes, the date is a different problem, and our first date questions are for that one.

What a no looks like

Our view: take a soft no as a no, including “I’m pretty slammed right now,” a reply that skips the question, or a “maybe” with no day attached. We found no study on how people signal it. A no taken the first time costs you one plan. In Pew Research Center’s survey of 6,034 US adults in July 2022, 30% of online dating users said someone had kept contacting them after they said they were not interested. Among women under 50 who had used the platforms, it was 43% (Pew Research Center, 2023).

The opposite problem is someone who never says no and never names a day. That has a name too: breadcrumbing.

How to use this

1. One detail, one provocation, one plan. Our rule of thumb, spread over several messages rather than packed into one.
2. One step warmer, then a read of the reply. One step warmer than their last message, and what comes back is the answer. Flirting was read less accurately than its absence (Hall et al., 2015), so a test beats a guess.
3. A date proposal with a day in it. “We should” keeps a flirt going (Mortensen, 2017). “Thursday at 7?” is easier to answer. After the date itself, see what to text after a first date.
4. A no, taken the first time. Soft ones included. Pew’s figure for unwanted contact after a no (Pew Research Center, 2023) needs no help.